I think that instead of them trying to desalinize the ocean, they should just add pepper!

I wanna open a Jamaican, Irish, Spanish small plate, breakfast restaurant and call it “Tapas the Mornin’ to Jah!”

My friend can’t read and he’s trying to be a DJ. His DJ name is JD Dyslexic.

This is a new character, he’s called Harvey Dangerfield: “I’m not sick but I’m not well, I get no respect!” That’s it.

I jerked off on Mulholland Drive once. It was beautiful.

I think it’s insane that car radios exist. Period. All it is, it’s only a distraction. Like “oh I’m bored driving this two ton piece of metal, I should be able to do another activity”? And that car companies are like “Yes, this is a standard thing, this distraction we’ll put in your car.” We should only be driving like “whoa!!” the whole time!

Shouldn’t Planned Parenthood be called “Unplanned Parenthood”?

I’m not impressed by juggling. Ok whatever you learned how to do that. That’s not a thing I chose to learn.

I treated myself to a marathon jerk sesh last night. Not what it sounds like: I watched “The Jerk” twice while masturbating.

How come the shelves at Bed, Bath and Beyond be so tall? They should just call that place Tall Shelves, Tall Shelves, and Tall Shelves.

I hate smoking sections, unless we’re talking about the movie The Mask, with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!

That reminded me of when Mike and Omar would take out the trash when they were young boys... Good Epps.

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

When you see an audience clapping, it makes me feel like we’re animals. “I like that! I hit my hands!” It’s so dumb of us!

A lot of people ask me if I’ve ever tried to suck my own dick. And no, I haven’t! Cause I can’t!

I bought a backpack at a store yesterday and the woman at the register asked if I wanted a bag for it. I said “Lady, that’s what it is!”

This is a new character, he’s called Harvey Dangerfield: “I’m not sick but I’m not well, I get no respect!” That’s it.

I’m on a crave diet. Which is: whatever you crave, eat it!

I think that an e-mail should be called an e-letter. You say, “I just got an e-mail”, but you wouldn’t say “I just got a mail.” You’d sound stupid.

What’s Bill Cosby’s stance on jello shots? Conflicted? Probably.