I'd like to think I'd be a sous-chef on the way to becoming a chef, but I'd probably be working at a record store.

I'd be a history teacher. Love history. And always writing fiction, if I was getting paid or not.

I wanted to be a lawyer and argue cases of civil rights before the supreme court. Or a car mechanic. I would have sucked at both.

Before I had Wyatt, I would've been a teacher. I would have taught like first grade.

If I didn't go into comedy, I'd probably work at UPS or Fedex. I'd be the funny Fedex guy. But that would be what I'd be doing, probably.

Sleep? If I could do anything else? Gosh, I don't know, I mean... I feel like being a writer would be fun and I sometimes look at chefs and think there might be something appealing. I don't cook at all, but I feel like when I've met chefs that there is a similar obsessive kind of nuance, disposable quality to their work that seems appealing but... I don't know, I think creative fulfillment is pretty important so I would have to do something that would provide some creative fulfillment.

id be one of those annoying people who try to be funny all the time at their not funny job, like the joke-y dentist or something. i hope i'd be a crazy dog lady/dog trainer.

the last jobs i had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access tv station. as in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself.

be a lawyer or work for my brother. he has a tree company and i always wanted to work for him. i dont know, havent been to em all. jury is out.

Writing young-adult novels in a cabin. It was not a cool plan, but it’s what I wanted to do when I was a kid.

I sometimes think that it would be fun to be a lawyer because I find a lot of what I do in my podcast, Comedy Bang! Bang!, is what I call comedy lawyering, where I’m sitting there cross-examining the other person to try to lead to something funny. I know a lot of being a lawyer isn’t like that, it’s just a lot of court appearances where you’re scheduling arraignments and stuff like that, but maybe an old Southern country lawyer that’s, like, fanning himself with a newspaper in a hot courtroom.