I wanted to be a lawyer and argue cases of civil rights before the supreme court. Or a car mechanic. I would have sucked at both.

the last jobs i had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access tv station. as in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself.

Sleep? If I could do anything else? Gosh, I don't know, I mean... I feel like being a writer would be fun and I sometimes look at chefs and think there might be something appealing. I don't cook at all, but I feel like when I've met chefs that there is a similar obsessive kind of nuance, disposable quality to their work that seems appealing but... I don't know, I think creative fulfillment is pretty important so I would have to do something that would provide some creative fulfillment.

I'd like to think I'd be a sous-chef on the way to becoming a chef, but I'd probably be working at a record store.

id be one of those annoying people who try to be funny all the time at their not funny job, like the joke-y dentist or something. i hope i'd be a crazy dog lady/dog trainer.

be a lawyer or work for my brother. he has a tree company and i always wanted to work for him. i dont know, havent been to em all. jury is out.

I would be a psychologist and not as happy or affecting to humanity. Sad face.

I'd be a history teacher. Love history. And always writing fiction, if I was getting paid or not.

Writing young-adult novels in a cabin. It was not a cool plan, but it’s what I wanted to do when I was a kid.

If I didn't go into comedy, I'd probably work at UPS or Fedex. I'd be the funny Fedex guy. But that would be what I'd be doing, probably.

I sometimes think that it would be fun to be a lawyer because I find a lot of what I do in my podcast, Comedy Bang! Bang!, is what I call comedy lawyering, where I’m sitting there cross-examining the other person to try to lead to something funny. I know a lot of being a lawyer isn’t like that, it’s just a lot of court appearances where you’re scheduling arraignments and stuff like that, but maybe an old Southern country lawyer that’s, like, fanning himself with a newspaper in a hot courtroom.

Before I had Wyatt, I would've been a teacher. I would have taught like first grade.