Having sex with girls, I think?

No, unfortunately I'm not. I have attempted to be a wizard on several occasions. I studied for about a year and a half at Ansontolliver's Wizard School...it wasn't a full year and a half. At the conclusion of which, Anson pulled me aside and said, "I don't want you to waste any more of your money with me. I think it's best for me to let you know you don't have what it takes to be a wizard." And for however sad I was on that day, I respect Anson so much for giving me the straight talk.

i love portland. i love anywhere where people are allowed to dress like they're in a traveling circus, but really are just baristas.

Anthony is exactly as good in bed as he looks like he would be.

I can but I won't man. I'm too high and I got people to make laugh over here. Do it yourself or consider a rock garden. It's cheaper and easier on our mother earth, who is in a fight with our father earth right now. Something about hiding the eggs in places that are too easy to find.

If you start to smell like tuna a day after having eaten tuna - that's too much tuna.

not as good as nick kroll

Get a job? Make some money? Get a haircut?

It's more fascinated than scared. He says things that even Buddha goes "...what did that mean?"

Q: What is the best way that you used humor to defuse a potentially dangerous situation? A: Haha, not sure what you mean here bud? Do you imagine a scenario where I'm in a dangerous situation with friends getting mugged and I'm like "Guys, I got this" and start doing bits and the robbers start laughing and let us go? That would be kinda cool, but hasn't happened so far.

- Do as good a job as Trent Reznor scoring “The Social Network” - Play against the Lakers and juke NBA point guard Steve Blake - Hit an NBA 3-pointer - Play right field in a Major League Baseball game, and catch a pop-up, and easily throw it back to the infield - Act as well as any actor - Every girl has, at minimum, a 20% crush on him

...About ten years ago when the bankers tanked the economy I was living here in L.A., and I started thinking, What if the whole economy collapsed and this city went crazy. How would I get out of here? You can’t get out of this city even when it works. Up and out was the only way. So I learned how to fly a helicopter. Now of course I know how to fly one, but I don’t own one. But you took the first step.
I did. I took a major step. But the funny thing is when you watch those zombie movies and they start a helicopter up and they fly away — that’s not how a helicopter works. At least the ones I fly. There’s a whole process of starting the fucking thing up. Those zombies are going to be eating y...[Read more]

Oh, that's a good question. If Hitler had a time machine, who do you think he'd go back and kill. Hmm. Well, boy oh boy, that's a funnier question than I can deliver an answer to I think. In a related story I sent Adam Eget in a time machine back to kill Hitler, and he became mesmerized by Hitler's black eyes. Adam says his eyes were deep black and inviting. So he came back with all sorts of decorations on him that Hitler had put him on for god knows what, he didn't get back for four years, I thought he'd be back in a day, but yeah, so Adam Eget, he can show you a few goose-steps now. But that's not really answering the question: OH I know he would kill! The greatest man who ever lived, and...[Read more]

I guess Richard Simmons and Terri Schiavo, I'm now using Bob Hope's old writers.

I saw Louie CK naked.

The question I was responding to, "Bob are you going to call Saul?" was deleted. But here's my answer. What? What does that mean? The character of Saul Goodman is made-up. You can't call that character. He doesn't exist. I can't call him either. He was created by Vince Gilligan and Peter Gould as part of the story of "Breaking Bad", a show that played on AMC networks in America and has since had great success as a DVD series and on the streaming service of Netflix. A wonderful show. But none of it actually happened, and none of the characters exists in actuality. Calling any of them would be a ridiculous time-waster and neither you, nor I, must waste precious time doing so. I have written a ...[Read more]

I don't know. It makes sense, doesn't it? The thing is, my name is Chevy, and their name for Chevrolet would have to be "Chevrolet." And also, I'd sue 'em for as much as I possibly could!