The US had a huge head start and we have all these cultures in our cities thrown together. There's something about that. And the whole way this country was built. People have a romanticized version or the horrific truth of it. We're sort of like Poltergeist the country.

If you ask yourself, `Is there anything I can do to get a laugh?’ you can find a lot of things. And usually they’re things that other people have found. But if you take something that’s never going to work and you go, `Wow, I wonder if there’s any way I can get somebody to laugh at this?’ it’s a great challenge.

I did swear a little bit in the beginning and then I didn't like how easy it was. It felt like cheating, so I stopped.

I think that comedy, at its most basic level, is making light of unpleasant things. That’s how we deal with life. I think that the myth that comedy and depression are linked, and that any artist has to be unhappy to create, is a very dangerous myth that I think has hurt a lot of people. When Robin Williams died, I did a few interviews about that, because people were reaching out to the comedy community and asking people how they felt and their personal stories. A lot of people wanted to draw a link between comedians and depression and suicide, and I think that’s a really terrible myth. Anybody can be depressed in any walk of life. It just seems strange when comedians are depressed, because t...[Read more]

That whole punching-down thing — I absolutely cannot stand people who say that. “Punch up. Punch up.” That has got to be the most boring thing you could ever do onstage. It’s yelling into an echo chamber. What’s so fucking funny to me is that what’s really going on is never brought up. Who donates to the president and who pays for the advertising on all these big news networks? That’s shit people should be upset about. But instead, if you do a fucking feminist joke in a strip mall you make the news. So that’s just a load of shit. Smarmy people who aren’t funny say that. Comedy is a pastime. The pastime is making fun of something you’re not supposed to make fun of because that gives you a me...[Read more]

Believe it or not, this is something I think about a lot. I have often wondered if there's a way to teach being funny or comedy, and George Stephanopoulos actually got me wound up enough at one point that we were going to contact, I think his name was Lee Bollinger, the president of Columbia, and we were gonna go in there, and I was going to teach a course on comedy. Because I know a lot about it, but I just don't know if it's teachable. I'm still wrestling with the idea if you can teach someone to be funny.

You want to have a joke every six to nine seconds. I’m not one of those people who thinks ‘it was better in my day’ or any of that horse shit. When I go on The Tonight Show now, I don’t even sit down and talk. I just go out there, I do stand-up, and then I leave. Here’s Jay Leno. Here’s a bunch of jokes. Thank you and good night. I’ve never been narcissistic enough to think that people want to see me. I always feel like they want to see the product I produce.

The most common question I see here on Twitter is if I have any advice on being a comedian. I have never given any but I will. It is said that you must write what you have experienced, that great comedy comes from truth, or from tragedy. All of this is nonsense. I am crushed by the time, gone and irrevocable, that these 300 pages have cost me. But here are a couple of stand-up tips. I am not sure if this can be done by the novice, but if I could go back and do stand-up differently, I would. The big problem, oddly enough, when a comedian performs, are the laughs. Stand-up comedy, as it is customarily produced, is a craft and not an art. Here is the reason. The stand-up comedian must create a ...[Read more]

I think just reminding myself to quit thinking that there’s some kind of perfect show to capture; to remind myself constantly that it is comedy and mistakes are funny. Anything that is too perfect—it kind of becomes too sterile and then it does not feel genuine. If it doesn’t feel genuine then there’s no possible way people are going to feel they saw you.

When I started there were 5 funny comics out of 100 then there was 5 out of 500 now there's 50k & only 5 are funny. It's going to be worse as audience doesn't know the diff as long as the structure is there which you can learn easily & trick the audience. You can't create art.

Sometimes i would on the internet talk about sports, and then someone would say "oh i'm not watching, i'm not near a TV" because people have jobs and commitments and so forth, so that's where I come in. I give them their sports, while they go through their earthly contacts. You know, the day to day life.

Q: Can you do a Lapkus impression of me? [asked by u/welshwordman] A: hi my name is welshwordman and im on reddit and stuff

Q: I know your brother is a huge Phish fan (he posts on a Phish message board I regularly post on) and I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the band A: YES I know all about the PT board hahaha. I like a few Phish songs but I'm sure they're the lamest ones to real fans, because they're the radio songs! "Farmhouse" and another one I can't remember because I don't ever listen to Phish. :) But I like how into them their fans are and I respect my brother's taste in music!

I'm happy that he used that. Anyone can copy me, it's a great flattery. But I will say, there's only one King. And it's good to be the King.