I want to sell a show. I’m working on a show now about introverts—it’s called The Introvert’s Survival Guide, and each show is a different scenario, and how to deal with it. It’s a fun idea. Introverts have no spokesperson—I want to be that guy.

Question: Is hosting your own show your ultimate goal, or do you still want to do more, like hosting SNL or getting involved in movies? Answer: My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's. I don't know what I'll want to do after this show, but I hope The Jeselnik Offensive runs for a long time.

You never "make it." That is a mentality that guarantees you'll never be happy. If you are doing it in any capacity, especially for money no matter how much, you are making it, you have never "made it." Trust me. It's one of the many things I'm right about.

It was! Bob and Dave both worked on The Ben Stiller Show and we were all so excited to come watch when they created Mr. Show, a true work of genius.

The first time I did it when I was 20 was sweet because I got to leave college and miss a week of school. And I met a lot of comedians of whom I was a huge fan because I was competing against them. Which is ridiculous because I had been doing it for less than a year and a half. But i had fun and became good friends with a lot of comedians I still know today like Tig and Doug Benson and Brendan Walsh.

I've never messed with a talk show host. I'm just trying to make my segment as spontaneous and interesting as I saw talk show guests be when I was a boy.

I like animated shows better because I hate living people who act. They always make fun of my crooked teeth.

I am ridiculously lucky to be included in Breaking Bad, a truly amazing show. I'm just glad I'm not fucking it up for everyone. When people think my presence actually helps the show, well, that's just "honey on a walnut" to me...is that the phrase?...no, wait, now I got it, that's just "an altoid on a pretzel" to me. It's a good thing.

Oh yeah. The thing is, you’re so scared, but every day you’re just dreaming of doing Conan or doing a special on Comedy Central, so when it comes, it’s terrifying but great. You know, as a guy you’re scared to have sex but you want it so bad, you do it. Also, as a comic, you realize how hard getting on TV is, that you’re not going to pass it up out of fear. When you’re at Conan behind the curtain waiting to go out, and they pull it open and say ‘you ready?’ you see the lights, the crowd—it’s crazy.

I said fuck on Saturday Night Live and I thought I'd be fired for it. I wasn't really embarrassed about it but I'm surprised I didn't say it a million times since it's live TV.

Hardwick is amazing. He is down to earth and cool and funny and has well coiffed hair. It's cool there. We sort of hang out and joke around and do makeup and then go on and try and get some laughs. It definitely does not feel like you are on tv. Which I like.

Who was it that said: If nominated, I will not run, if Elected, I will not serve? Whoever it was, they were an idiot. If nominated, I will run, and if elected, I will serve. But as we know, television is not a democracy but an oligarchy. They don't hire a lot of guys who run around saying oligarchy. Many times a boss will call me and say "I'll have to let you go" and I'll say "Why" and they'll say "Well you sell more than everybody else at the plant, but you've been saying Oligarchy in the break room too much at lunch. In fact the suggestion box is filled with pieces of paper that complain about that." And I'll say "well sir, Oligarchy, holy fuck" and then I know it's time to pack up my duf...[Read more]

The tricky part about answering this, is that it is a bit of both. It was totally not set up. And was I mad, yes and no. I was mad that he wrecked my desk, but I was happy that he gave me an excuse to get mad at my guest on TV. I am always nice to my guests. But I love it when things go wrong on television. So I was kind of playing the character of the angry TV host. Because it is funny watching somebody get mad. People don't understand what happened there and give me some grief about it, saying that I should have just let him cut the desk and smiled. But the thing is, that would not have been nearly as funny.