That guy I was telling you about, my friend in high school that did heroin? He was a good student, and he did do a lot of heroin and with used needles. He got straight aids.

Spit doesn’t smell bad unless you rub it in.

Hey Brussels sprouts and broccolini, enjoy your 15 minutes!

Remember a time when everyone in America just seemed to have steak in their refrigerators, and they would put it on someone’s eye if they had a black eye? You don’t see that much anymore.

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

Did I tell you I went window-shopping in New York last week? I bought a window.

It sucks knowing my kids will never know what it’s like to go to a Blockbuster. Cause I’m not letting ‘em go there. The prices are outrageous!

How come the shelves at Bed, Bath and Beyond be so tall? They should just call that place Tall Shelves, Tall Shelves, and Tall Shelves.

Just call half and half “one”!

This is my impression of a good dentist with a good family: “Getting my son to clean his room is like pulling teeth! Really easy!”

A watched pot never boils? Yes it does.

Hotel checkout is 11 but check in is 3, so … the fuck? I imagine it’s for cleaning but it doesn’t take that long to clean. I guess just make check out later.

This just says, “Dr. Strangelove is not funny. Karate is funny.”

My friend can’t read and he’s trying to be a DJ. His DJ name is JD Dyslexic.

This is a character that’s only read the word “thermometer” but has never said it out loud: “Hey, what temperature does it say on that thermo-meter?”

Can I ask you a question, Scott? Cause I can’t find this anywhere. Is the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire?

Remember a time when everyone in America just seemed to have steak in their refrigerators, and they would put it on someone’s eye if they had a black eye? You don’t see that much anymore.

Does anyone genuinely know why at grocery stores they offer a cash back option? Is that just to be nice? That’s like the bank offering you zucchinis!

You know Amazon the website? What does that look like in person? That’s gotta be one big room, huh?

It’s silly that when you’re in a cold car and you want heat, cold air comes out first and it makes you colder. They should fix that!