Remember a time when everyone in America just seemed to have steak in their refrigerators, and they would put it on someone’s eye if they had a black eye? You don’t see that much anymore.

Where there’s a will there’s a Wayans.

If you’re looking for a book in the self-help section, and you can’t find it, do you ask? (That joke’s called “Shelf-help”).

It’s just like the movie Synecdoche, New York: too many characters!

Do you think it would be cool if your dick could smell things?

In life, if someone farts it’s funny. If you go into a guy’s bathroom, everyone’s just farting and being very serious. Why is it not funny in there? It’s hilarious still!

What’s Bill Cosby’s stance on jello shots? Conflicted? Probably.

Anything’s a toilet if you shit on it!

I think there should be a contraption for putting on socks. But wouldn’t that be cool if there were two socks upright in this metal bracket on the ground and you just put your feet into it.

I bought a book on how to read. That thing was impossible to get through! (Then Scott explains that they did that exact joke – but better – on his TV show).

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

I’ve decided that I’m not gonna get married until gay people can get married. Cause I’m gay!

You know how people over-pronounce something they’ll go “HW-eat thin!” or “HW-ile.” That’s a thing that proper folk do. But it should be “W-Heat thin” or “W-Hile”. Why does the H come before the W just because you’re pronouncing it like that?

When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based off their memory?

This is a true story: One time I said to a guy that I loved learning new things. I was like, “I’m a bit of an infomaniac.” And he thought I said nymphomaniac. So he fucked me. And I said, “No, no, no! I like info! I’m an infomanic!” and he said, “Well here’s some info, you just got fucked. Clean yourself up!”

I know it’s not true, but I feel like twins get half the stuff in the womb.

This is just a beef I have with The Wallflowers’s Song “One Headlight.” There’s a lyric in there that goes “I turn the engine but the engine doesn’t turn.” So you didn’t turn the engine, you motherfucker! Just the key!

It’s weird that pineapple supposedly makes your semen taste better, yet semen makes pineapple taste terrible!

This is my impression of a good dentist with a good family: “Getting my son to clean his room is like pulling teeth! Really easy!”

What’s Bill Cosby’s stance on jello shots? Conflicted? Probably.