So I was thinking about how a lot of people feel shame while they masturbate. Actually, I feel like if God didn’t want us to “j that shit off,” he wouldn’t have given us small sandwich baggies filled with warm grape jelly and rubber bands.

If you’re looking for a book in the self-help section, and you can’t find it, do you ask? (That joke’s called “Shelf-help”).

Hotel checkout is 11 but check in is 3, so … the fuck? I imagine it’s for cleaning but it doesn’t take that long to clean. I guess just make check out later.

My friend can’t read and he’s trying to be a DJ. His DJ name is JD Dyslexic.

This character was inspired by Friday Night Lights. It’s a shy, Texan teenager who’s trying to get his coach’s attention: “Cayouch! Cayouch! Cayouch? Cayouch! Cayouch? Cayouch! Excuse me, cayouch?”

I know it’s not true, but I feel like twins get half the stuff in the womb.

I hate smoking sections, unless we’re talking about the movie The Mask, with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!

Can I leave on a good invention I thought of? Food tape: it’s like edible adhesive tape that you can put around ice cream cones, or your sandwiches if they break, or your tacos, and it’s edible and flavorless. Oh, but there’s a slogan too: “Cause food breaks!”

When you see an audience clapping, it makes me feel like we’re animals. “I like that! I hit my hands!” It’s so dumb of us!

People say, “I LOL’d”. It should be “L’d OL” because you don’t “laugh out loud-ed”. You laughed out loud.

If someone’s being egregious, call them Egregious Philbin.

So I was thinking about how a lot of people feel shame while they masturbate. Actually, I feel like if God didn’t want us to “j that shit off,” he wouldn’t have given us small sandwich baggies filled with warm grape jelly and rubber bands.

I just found out that McDonalds tortures their chickens; they boil them alive and slit their throats or something, and all sorts of crazy shit. But when I found this out I couldn’t believe it: that they use chicken in chicken nuggets, because I’ve never seen part of a chicken that is shaped naturally like a boot or an oval.

I’m not gay but my asshole is.

You know how everyone says if you’re gonna get a dog you should adopt it? All fucking dogs are adopted! No one shoots dogs out of their pussies. Unless you’re Mrs. Brodis, Snoop’s mom.

Neo-Nazi Supremes cover band called “The Supremacists”.

I’m actually pretty sad. My therapist died a couple days ago and I have no one to talk to about it. When I get really sad like this, I find solace in just thinking that my wife probably won’t be born for another 30 years.

ISIS, You SIS, We all SIS for Ice Chris.

Hey Brussels sprouts and broccolini, enjoy your 15 minutes!

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]