This is a true story: One time I said to a guy that I loved learning new things. I was like, “I’m a bit of an infomaniac.” And he thought I said nymphomaniac. So he fucked me. And I said, “No, no, no! I like info! I’m an infomanic!” and he said, “Well here’s some info, you just got fucked. Clean yourself up!”
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Related posts tagged 'Foam corner'
Downhill and uphill are both bad, it’s weird that they both mean a bad thing. “It’s all downhill from here” or “it’s all uphill from here.” Those are both shitty!
This character was inspired by Friday Night Lights. It’s a shy, Texan teenager who’s trying to get his coach’s attention: “Cayouch! Cayouch! Cayouch? Cayouch! Cayouch? Cayouch! Excuse me, cayouch?”
It’s funny that if air comes out of your butthole, it’s gross. If it comes out of your mouth, it’s funny. And if it comes out of your penis, it’s cool.
I don’t trust the whole crepe craze. (First of all, there’s a crepe craze. Second of all, I don’t trust it). I don’t trust anything you can put ham or chocolate on. (That was a joke about dangling prepositions!)
I’ve decided that how much it would cost for me to only eat Vienna sausages in those little cans at 7-11 for two weeks straight, that’s all I eat, is $60,000 tax free. I just thought about that and I think that’s the amount it would take.
This is a new character, he’s called Harvey Dangerfield: “I’m not sick but I’m not well, I get no respect!” That’s it.
Remember a time when everyone in America just seemed to have steak in their refrigerators, and they would put it on someone’s eye if they had a black eye? You don’t see that much anymore.
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Related posts tagged 'Phone corner'
You know how everyone says if you’re gonna get a dog you should adopt it? All fucking dogs are adopted! No one shoots dogs out of their pussies. Unless you’re Mrs. Brodis, Snoop’s mom.
I hate smoking sections, unless we’re talking about the movie The Mask, with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!
Toothpicks are bullshit. They don’t work. If you have something in your teeth, they won’t get it out. They’re thicker than every tooth gap.
You know how everyone says to get your porn name; you use your pet’s name and the street you grew up on? I have a new system and it works for anybody. Take your first name; change it to “Sir”. Then take your last name and change it to “Fucksalot”.
Remember a time when everyone in America just seemed to have steak in their refrigerators, and they would put it on someone’s eye if they had a black eye? You don’t see that much anymore.
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Harris Wittels