Anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome

My teens and twenties were really challenging. TV and film wasnt like it is now, where you could turn on the TV and there's a reasonable expectation that you could see people that bore resemblance to me. So I had to dream in a vacuum. I was never, ever, ever skinny, and therefore never considered "pretty", even though I loved clothes and makeup and dressing up. That was really hard in middle school and high school. I was always comforted by this strange little fire inside of me that when I got older things would not be like that. Some comfort, huh? It should be noted that I was a very focused, odd kid. I hope this was helpful! And I hope you get everything you want.

But I also had this thing where, when I was growing up, I got picked on a lot and I also beat some kids up. [Laughs.] I had a nice balance. I also felt like a freak because of how I looked. And I thought that if I became a comedian, people would see me on stage and go, “Oh, he’s a great, funny guy,” and then everyone would stop fucking with me. I thought that becoming a comic was going to fix these other problems. Of course, it didn’t. I just believed that it would for 15 years.

I don't really like to focus on barriers because I don't like giving them that kind of power. But I will say that going on the road, as a female stand-up, is rough. Mostly because I'm just scared of my safety sometimes when I'm all alone in a shitty hotel. Also most women can't just eat a twinkie at a gas station like some men can.

[In response to Louis CK's question: Are you a healthy comedian?] I try to do coke a couple times a month to get my heart rate up though Viagra can really get the ticker running at high speed especially if you are trying to come while you’re extraordinarily drunk. Cialis to a lesser extent but for a longer duration. Often times on the road I will take very long walks when I wake up and
 don’t know where I am and need to get back to my hotel. Terror can at times be a great replacement for a sauna to help you 
sweat out the toxins. Sushi is very healthy I’ve heard and will help clean out your system 
the longer you leave it sitting around before consumption. Dry heaves
 help keep the abs ti...[Read more]

I stopped smoking, I lost weight, I became very conscious of health. I became a good patient. My father died at age 46 of a heart attack. I had my heart attack at age 53, and now I'm 80. So I must be doing something right, even though I'm currently eating a pizza slice. If I drop off in the middle of this, goodbye to all.

[In reply to Louis CK, who was leading a discussion about the importance of maintaining a physical training routine and its relation to comedy] Louis, I concur that poor health leads to sloth and effects your creativity.
Repeating any behavior continually will effect your writing as it gives 
you nothing new to say. I do drugs, yes I do but I only do them socially. Its the fact that I
 talk openly about it that gives the impression that there is a
 frequency. I’ve probably done mushrooms 6 times this year, acid once
 (poor quality), coke maybe 5 or 6 times, and about three xanax a week
to sleep. I dont smoke pot. So smokes and drink are about my only habits and the cigarettes 
certainly n...[Read more]

Well, I would say: Holy Ghost Power (you've got to be one of God's favorites, because he whispers in my ear EVERY Day). But here's the REAL answer: moderation, and do what you are supposed to do. Listen to that little voice. You'll be a lot less stressed. Most stress comes from the fact that we're lying to ourselves and the people around us. Follow your primal impulse. And realize that there's no escaping plain old death.

[Are you a healthy comedian? - Louis asked this question to those in the "Alt Standup Comedy Google Group"] I know a lot of you out there have a diet that consists of Hardees and Taco Bell with the occasional frozen buffalo wings heated up in the condo microwave, and that your exercize regimen… doesn’t exist. Personally, one of the reasons I chose standup as a life is because it allowed me to lie on a floor for several hours eating lard and crying, only having to pull myself together for an hour a day or so. But if you want to have any longevity as a comedian, or if you want
 your brain and body to provide you with any consistent creative flow, 
you have to eat somewhat right and do some ex...[Read more]

The best part is standing on the stage with your comedy being able to turn a passive audience into an unruly mob. The worst part of standup comedy is the insane pressure on the spine and lower back from standing up for so many hundreds of hours.

For me, it’s not really about weight loss. Training just makes me sharper and mostly increases my endurance. let me put it to you all this way: Trying to be a standup comedian for 
a living, or beyond that, trying to pursue a life in comedy that has
 longevity and bredth, is crazily hard. Lots of folks say it takes 15, maybe 20 years to make a great comic.
 Lots of people start out with a lot of talent but by the time they hit
 that many years they’ve given up, become bitter and crusty or have died 
from ill health and depression. Outside of all that, it seems to me that if you’re trying to do
 something extraordinary, which succeeding as a comedian is, if only by 
virtue of the fact that...[Read more]

i think having kids and getting into my mid 40s and some minor health issues have focused my thinking on the subject of death a little more than when i was younger.