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Well if you really want to read Russian novelists, you should learn to speak Russian, that's the best way. But if you don't want to do that, there are wonderful translators, a husband & wife team by the name of Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky, they are the greats. So even if you've already read Russian literature, you should reread. I would begin with a book of Tolstoy short stories, there's a book called the Death of Ivan Ilovitch and other stories, which is a jumping off point. And not ironically at all but it's very funny writing.
Oh yes, Alec Majerison. That whole thing was unfortunate Victoria. What happened was I bought a puppet that was originally belong, originally belonged to Edgar Bergen, and he was a crusty old fella. He was a curmudgeon, ya know? Well pretty early on it became clear to me that he was a vehement Holocaust denier. But this is the point I'm trying to make: he's just plain wrong. And you know, I know he was born in a different time, but he's just plain wrong. He's in a musty old suitcase in my basement. And that's where he'll stay.
I think the big problem with the internet when it comes to comedy is it requires too much content, and supply and demand does not work with comedy. And success goes to the ones that give the most content, but the content would be, there'll be a precise algorithm between amounts and mediocrity of content. So that's how I think the internet demands too much input of a comedian. And the successful ones will be the worst ones. I'm doing JASH, a video podcast, which is like a tv show that is only on the computer. And it's about time there was a place to put tv shows other than the TV, I've always said!
Well, I know how you DON'T tell a story saying the ending part first, because that's what my mother does all the time, and that's what people sometimes do in the audience, where they'll yell out "DO the joke where the thing at the end happens?!"
You know how they always say a story has to have a beginning, middle and an end?
Well, I find that if you have a beginning and an end, you don't really need a middle. Why waste time with a middle? Who ever goes "You know what part of the movie I liked? The middle.. That long part between the beginning and the end." That is no one's favorite part. Although I worked on the Middle and it was a fine show.
...And just because the other person is silent...
Betty White is a huge fan of mine. No, I'm a huge fan of Betty White. I always get those two confused. I like it when she pretends she has a sex drive.
When I was a young boy, I studied high math because I was put way ahead in school. So I was doing college when I was 9 years old, I was very good at math, very shy. And then the professor of calculus said "the next theory we're going to learn if A, then A equals A." If A', then A equals A, and he said "what do you think the name of this theory is" and I said "is it the pointless theory?"
And he was fantastic to work with.
Q: You once recalled a story about when you were a very shy and very young boy and had to take your dad's friend (who was blind) to a store. The blind friend requested that you describe the world around him, what the grass was like, the street lights, etc. The friend was happy and loved that you were describing such things to him. You said for the first time this made you look outward at the world, not inward, and that you fell into a kind of hysteria, laughing uncontrollably. Another time you were talking to a homeless guy who was saying he knew John D. Rockefeller, was at John D. Rockefeller's funeral and all this insane stuff and again you fell deep into laughter.
I had a similar experie...
Oh. Well I thought a Minute with Stan Hooper was the best thing I ever did outside of stand up comedy. But Fox didn't stay with the show. It was a show that was intended to turn very dark, like at the end of the first season, it was set up like a homespun show, and then at the end of the first season my wife was going to be slaughtered by the town barber that we'd come to love as a kind of a funny old fella. Anyways, turned out he was a psychosexual sadist. but they never let us get to the end. So you never got to see my plan.
And I'm not saying anything against psychosexual sadists. I just think oftentimes you know, they'll slaughter innocents and I'm no fan of that.
Oh yes. Because one time I was on Conan, and I made fun of Carrot Top, I didn't do it on purpose, but this girl said she was in a Carrot Top movie, which sort of shocked me when she said it. I reacted the same way anyone would upon finding out that Carrot Top had movie. Anyways, they didn't tell me that but by the way, but later they were going to invent something where this would live forever, they forgot to tell me that. So I met Scott after that, he was a really nice guy, I already knew him and apologized. So it was funny.
Cervantes. I found Don Quixote transformative. I mean, I never read anything like that before. Well, I'm reading this norwegian guy and I can't remember his goddamn name. I'm trying to remember! I know what it's called, the book is called My Struggle. By Karl Ove Knausgaard. No wonder I couldn't remember it. The title is even very daring, but it's an unflinching look into mortality, which I like to do. I like to look into mortality, in an unflinching manner.
Some days, I'll flinch. Some days I'll be honest with you Victoria, I'll stare into my own mortality in that abyss. I'll flinch. But I can't say the same for Horgalveyeysbadlobad. I'm sure he flinches too, but he writes it down and pret...
Who was it that said: If nominated, I will not run, if Elected, I will not serve? Whoever it was, they were an idiot. If nominated, I will run, and if elected, I will serve.
But as we know, television is not a democracy but an oligarchy. They don't hire a lot of guys who run around saying oligarchy. Many times a boss will call me and say "I'll have to let you go" and I'll say "Why" and they'll say "Well you sell more than everybody else at the plant, but you've been saying Oligarchy in the break room too much at lunch. In fact the suggestion box is filled with pieces of paper that complain about that." And I'll say "well sir, Oligarchy, holy fuck" and then I know it's time to pack up my duf...
What happened, Victoria, was, I opened for Bill Cosby. I told him my dad was a big fan. He said he would have my dad backstage when he went to Ottawa where my dad lives. But my dad has been dead for 15 years. So he asks me for my dad's phone number, and i Just write some numbers down on a piece of paper. He was such a nice guy, I didn't want to say he was dead. So I did hear from Cosby after that, because Cosby is so nice, I told that story one time on Letterman and the next day at SNL I received like 200 things of flowers, and then about 2 weeks later I found on one flower way in the back a little card and it was from Bill Cosby and it said "I'm sorry to inform you from this, but your dad i...
Oh, that's a good question. If Hitler had a time machine, who do you think he'd go back and kill. Hmm. Well, boy oh boy, that's a funnier question than I can deliver an answer to I think. In a related story I sent Adam Eget in a time machine back to kill Hitler, and he became mesmerized by Hitler's black eyes. Adam says his eyes were deep black and inviting. So he came back with all sorts of decorations on him that Hitler had put him on for god knows what, he didn't get back for four years, I thought he'd be back in a day, but yeah, so Adam Eget, he can show you a few goose-steps now.
But that's not really answering the question: OH I know he would kill! The greatest man who ever lived, and...
Oh yes. I didn't really want to have the audience showing at all because I always hate it when I see that when I'm watching standup. So I didn't want to show the audience. And I didn't want to go out on a big laugh, I wanted to go out on silence. Because I've always hated big pretend laughter, and shots of audience members laughing, so we did not light the audience. Although I still think they cut to them a couple times.
Yes. Wait, what? Yes, I would consider doing a Dirty Work 2. But there's so much involved. I should start a kickstarter. Because the problem is Dirty Work 1 lost so much money the movie studio had to shut down. MGM had a huge loss in their quarter, and the stock owners fled, and boy, you hear a lot about that on your answering machine. So I don't know if they want to make another one. But Artie is always hilarious.
Well, let me answer this by asking a question: when I was on SNL, I played Burt Reynolds on Celebrity Jeopardy. One time, he (being me, playing he) refused to be called "Burt Reynolds" because he had changed his name to "Turd Ferguson." So Alex Trebec had to call him "Turd Ferguson" that became a little cult thing. So one time, i was in a very crowded street, and the street was 5th Avenue, which you know, at lunchtime how crowded it was, and there were hundreds of people watching as a gentleman yelled at me "HEY TURD!" and I said "Thank you! Thank you!" And I always wondered what sort of relationship those people thought me and that fellow had.
Well, here's what I did, Victoria. Any sketch I would write, I would call my character "Stan Hooper" and he didn't really do anything, you know? And I would be very careful to name him Stan Hooper, and then have someone in the sketch say "Hey Stan Hooper" and one time I read a list of recurring characters and Stan Hooper was way up there. And of all the characters he had no real qualities of any kind. Just a bland empty vessel of a man.
I was just on twitter talking about Roseanne because she gave mea first job, and I thought of her and Chappelle who I have both worked with, and who have both been called "Difficult" or "crazy." And that word crazy when it's applied to an entertainer can torpedo their career. One time I was on a show, and I wanted to get Burt Reynolds to play my father, and the director said "You don't want Burt Reynolds, he's crazy." I said "I don't want you to be my director. I want Burt Reynolds." So crazy just means creative. And difficult just means hardworking, and opinionated. And Roseanne was a victim to this specifically because she was a woman, which is very sad. But that's all I was saying.
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