If there’s three people sitting in the back seat of a car or something… Say I’m in the middle, and Huell and Michael are on either side of me, and people go: “Hey that’s a Huell and Michael sandwich!” But no, cause you don’t identify a sandwich by its bread. You don’t say it’s a white-bread sandwich.
So I was thinking about how a lot of people feel shame while they masturbate. Actually, I feel like if God didn’t want us to “j that shit off,” he wouldn’t have given us small sandwich baggies filled with warm grape jelly and rubber bands.
I bought a book on how to read. That thing was impossible to get through! (Then Scott explains that they did that exact joke – but better – on his TV show).
I just found out that McDonalds tortures their chickens; they boil them alive and slit their throats or something, and all sorts of crazy shit. But when I found this out I couldn’t believe it: that they use chicken in chicken nuggets, because I’ve never seen part of a chicken that is shaped naturally like a boot or an oval.
I’m actually pretty sad. My therapist died a couple days ago and I have no one to talk to about it. When I get really sad like this, I find solace in just thinking that my wife probably won’t be born for another 30 years.
Hotel checkout is 11 but check in is 3, so … the fuck? I imagine it’s for cleaning but it doesn’t take that long to clean. I guess just make check out later.
In life, if someone farts it’s funny. If you go into a guy’s bathroom, everyone’s just farting and being very serious. Why is it not funny in there? It’s hilarious still!
I think there should be a contraption for putting on socks. But wouldn’t that be cool if there were two socks upright in this metal bracket on the ground and you just put your feet into it.
You know when people say, “I’ve read studies” or “There’s been studies”… Let’s be honest, there’s probably been one study, or they read one study. I don’t think a lot of people read multiple studies on things.
Harris Wittels