I just found out that McDonalds tortures their chickens; they boil them alive and slit their throats or something, and all sorts of crazy shit. But when I found this out I couldn’t believe it: that they use chicken in chicken nuggets, because I’ve never seen part of a chicken that is shaped naturally like a boot or an oval.
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Coins are so worthless now that it’s gone from “You can keep the change” to “Can you keep the change?”
This is a true sidebar: I just saw that Jennifer Convertibles just opened up a car dealership. It’s called Jennifer Sofas.
It’s weird that pineapple supposedly makes your semen taste better, yet semen makes pineapple taste terrible!
You know how everyone says if you’re gonna get a dog you should adopt it? All fucking dogs are adopted! No one shoots dogs out of their pussies. Unless you’re Mrs. Brodis, Snoop’s mom.
I think that Freud just really wanted to fuck his mom and then was like “Hey guys, isn’t it crazy that we all wanna do that?” And then his friends were probably like “I don’t!” And he’s like “Yeah you do, I’m fuckin’ Freud”.
I bought a book on how to read. That thing was impossible to get through! (Then Scott explains that they did that exact joke – but better – on his TV show).
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This is topical about Earwolf. Jeff from Earwolf just had a baby, and they named the baby “Arden.” Do you think before that happened they said, “Let’s name her Arden in here!”
When someone talks about like, “I just met this girl and she was down for whatever.” That just means like ass fucking. That’s the only other thing!
If there’s three people sitting in the back seat of a car or something… Say I’m in the middle, and Huell and Michael are on either side of me, and people go: “Hey that’s a Huell and Michael sandwich!” But no, cause you don’t identify a sandwich by its bread. You don’t say it’s a white-bread sandwich.
This is just a beef I have with The Wallflowers’s Song “One Headlight.” There’s a lyric in there that goes “I turn the engine but the engine doesn’t turn.” So you didn’t turn the engine, you motherfucker! Just the key!
In life, if someone farts it’s funny. If you go into a guy’s bathroom, everyone’s just farting and being very serious. Why is it not funny in there? It’s hilarious still!
Can I leave on a good invention I thought of? Food tape: it’s like edible adhesive tape that you can put around ice cream cones, or your sandwiches if they break, or your tacos, and it’s edible and flavorless. Oh, but there’s a slogan too: “Cause food breaks!”
It’s funny that if air comes out of your butthole, it’s gross. If it comes out of your mouth, it’s funny. And if it comes out of your penis, it’s cool.
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