Hotel checkout is 11 but check in is 3, so … the fuck? I imagine it’s for cleaning but it doesn’t take that long to clean. I guess just make check out later.

What do you get when you cross the holocaust with a baby-clothing store? Oshkosh B’g-Auschwitz.

My therapist told me to look inward, and I thought he said “Look, N-word.”

This is a true sidebar: I just saw that Jennifer Convertibles just opened up a car dealership. It’s called Jennifer Sofas.

I treated myself to a marathon jerk sesh last night. Not what it sounds like: I watched “The Jerk” twice while masturbating.

I bought a backpack at a store yesterday and the woman at the register asked if I wanted a bag for it. I said “Lady, that’s what it is!”

Neo-Nazi Supremes cover band called “The Supremacists”.

I think there should be a contraption for putting on socks. But wouldn’t that be cool if there were two socks upright in this metal bracket on the ground and you just put your feet into it.

Anything’s a toilet if you shit on it!

It’s silly that when you’re in a cold car and you want heat, cold air comes out first and it makes you colder. They should fix that!

This is just a beef I have with The Wallflowers’s Song “One Headlight.” There’s a lyric in there that goes “I turn the engine but the engine doesn’t turn.” So you didn’t turn the engine, you motherfucker! Just the key!

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

I bought a book on how to read. That thing was impossible to get through! (Then Scott explains that they did that exact joke – but better – on his TV show).

I’m on a crave diet. Which is: whatever you crave, eat it!

You know how people over-pronounce something they’ll go “HW-eat thin!” or “HW-ile.” That’s a thing that proper folk do. But it should be “W-Heat thin” or “W-Hile”. Why does the H come before the W just because you’re pronouncing it like that?

I’m not impressed by juggling. Ok whatever you learned how to do that. That’s not a thing I chose to learn.

I think that instead of them trying to desalinize the ocean, they should just add pepper!

You know when people say, “I’ve read studies” or “There’s been studies”… Let’s be honest, there’s probably been one study, or they read one study. I don’t think a lot of people read multiple studies on things.

Do you think it would be cool if your dick could smell things?

It’s funny that if air comes out of your butthole, it’s gross. If it comes out of your mouth, it’s funny. And if it comes out of your penis, it’s cool.