This just says, “Dr. Strangelove is not funny. Karate is funny.”

What’s Bill Cosby’s stance on jello shots? Conflicted? Probably.

This is just a beef I have with The Wallflowers’s Song “One Headlight.” There’s a lyric in there that goes “I turn the engine but the engine doesn’t turn.” So you didn’t turn the engine, you motherfucker! Just the key!

You know how there’s like candy and mints in bathrooms sometimes? That’s the last place I want by open food is around all this shit!

I went to a Jack-in-the-Box that was open 24 hours and I got there at the 26th hour and it was closed.

If you’re looking for a book in the self-help section, and you can’t find it, do you ask? (That joke’s called “Shelf-help”).

The Burbank airport is called the Bob Hope Airport. That’s two things I don’t wanna do while flying: “bob” and “hope”.

What do you get when you cross the holocaust with a baby-clothing store? Oshkosh B’g-Auschwitz.

That guy I was telling you about, my friend in high school that did heroin? He was a good student, and he did do a lot of heroin and with used needles. He got straight aids.

You know Amazon the website? What does that look like in person? That’s gotta be one big room, huh?

That guy I was telling you about, my friend in high school that did heroin? He was a good student, and he did do a lot of heroin and with used needles. He got straight aids.

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

Wheat thins? Call me when they’re Wheat THICKS! Gimme that wheat!

When you see an audience clapping, it makes me feel like we’re animals. “I like that! I hit my hands!” It’s so dumb of us!

You know how everyone says to get your porn name; you use your pet’s name and the street you grew up on? I have a new system and it works for anybody. Take your first name; change it to “Sir”. Then take your last name and change it to “Fucksalot”.

I hate smoking sections, unless we’re talking about the movie The Mask, with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!

I just found out that McDonalds tortures their chickens; they boil them alive and slit their throats or something, and all sorts of crazy shit. But when I found this out I couldn’t believe it: that they use chicken in chicken nuggets, because I’ve never seen part of a chicken that is shaped naturally like a boot or an oval.

I know it’s not true, but I feel like twins get half the stuff in the womb.

I don’t trust the whole crepe craze. (First of all, there’s a crepe craze. Second of all, I don’t trust it). I don’t trust anything you can put ham or chocolate on. (That was a joke about dangling prepositions!)

When people genuinely thanked Einstein, do you think it sounded sarcastic?