That’s tight, like oh so many assholes.

I hate smoking sections, unless we’re talking about the movie The Mask, with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!

You know how everyone says to get your porn name; you use your pet’s name and the street you grew up on? I have a new system and it works for anybody. Take your first name; change it to “Sir”. Then take your last name and change it to “Fucksalot”.

My therapist told me to look inward, and I thought he said “Look, N-word.”

Remember a time when everyone in America just seemed to have steak in their refrigerators, and they would put it on someone’s eye if they had a black eye? You don’t see that much anymore.

Wheat thins? Call me when they’re Wheat THICKS! Gimme that wheat!

This is a new character, he’s called Harvey Dangerfield: “I’m not sick but I’m not well, I get no respect!” That’s it.

I think it’s insane that car radios exist. Period. All it is, it’s only a distraction. Like “oh I’m bored driving this two ton piece of metal, I should be able to do another activity”? And that car companies are like “Yes, this is a standard thing, this distraction we’ll put in your car.” We should only be driving like “whoa!!” the whole time!

I know it’s not true, but I feel like twins get half the stuff in the womb.

I’ve decided that how much it would cost for me to only eat Vienna sausages in those little cans at 7-11 for two weeks straight, that’s all I eat, is $60,000 tax free. I just thought about that and I think that’s the amount it would take.

Wifi? Because-fi.

I was out of dish detergent, so I tried to use dish soap, which was a disaster. And then I ran out of ranch dressing, so I used dish soap. Disaster. And then because I was using so much dish soap, I ran out, so I tried to clean dishes with peanut butter. Success!

I’m on a crave diet. Which is: whatever you crave, eat it!

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

I’m starting a campaign to change bygones into something. Everyone’s always trying to let them be bygones.

Did you know I graduated college early? It was like 7 AM.

Did I tell you I went window-shopping in New York last week? I bought a window.

Toothpicks are bullshit. They don’t work. If you have something in your teeth, they won’t get it out. They’re thicker than every tooth gap.

This is just a beef I have with The Wallflowers’s Song “One Headlight.” There’s a lyric in there that goes “I turn the engine but the engine doesn’t turn.” So you didn’t turn the engine, you motherfucker! Just the key!

People say, “I LOL’d”. It should be “L’d OL” because you don’t “laugh out loud-ed”. You laughed out loud.