Spit doesn’t smell bad unless you rub it in.

That reminded me of when Mike and Omar would take out the trash when they were young boys... Good Epps.

This is my impression of a good dentist with a good family: “Getting my son to clean his room is like pulling teeth! Really easy!”

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

I’m on a crave diet. Which is: whatever you crave, eat it!

I bought a backpack at a store yesterday and the woman at the register asked if I wanted a bag for it. I said “Lady, that’s what it is!”

It’s just like the movie Synecdoche, New York: too many characters!

I just found out that McDonalds tortures their chickens; they boil them alive and slit their throats or something, and all sorts of crazy shit. But when I found this out I couldn’t believe it: that they use chicken in chicken nuggets, because I’ve never seen part of a chicken that is shaped naturally like a boot or an oval.

When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based off their memory?

You know old wives' tales? Are the wives old or is the tale?

My friend can’t read and he’s trying to be a DJ. His DJ name is JD Dyslexic.

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

Church is just a book club about the bible.

I treated myself to a marathon jerk sesh last night. Not what it sounds like: I watched “The Jerk” twice while masturbating.

I’m starting a campaign to change bygones into something. Everyone’s always trying to let them be bygones.

Wifi? Because-fi.

I’ve seen Julianne Moore’s tits more than my own penis!

You know how everyone says to get your porn name; you use your pet’s name and the street you grew up on? I have a new system and it works for anybody. Take your first name; change it to “Sir”. Then take your last name and change it to “Fucksalot”.

Hotel checkout is 11 but check in is 3, so … the fuck? I imagine it’s for cleaning but it doesn’t take that long to clean. I guess just make check out later.

Rolling Stones, “Who Do You Love?” Grammatically a disaster. It should be “Whom Do You Love?