Does anyone genuinely know why at grocery stores they offer a cash back option? Is that just to be nice? That’s like the bank offering you zucchinis!

ISIS, You SIS, We all SIS for Ice Chris.

Where there’s a will there’s a Wayans.

This is a character that’s only read the word “thermometer” but has never said it out loud: “Hey, what temperature does it say on that thermo-meter?”

The Burbank airport is called the Bob Hope Airport. That’s two things I don’t wanna do while flying: “bob” and “hope”.

That reminded me of when Mike and Omar would take out the trash when they were young boys... Good Epps.

It’s just like the movie Synecdoche, New York: too many characters!

I think that Freud just really wanted to fuck his mom and then was like “Hey guys, isn’t it crazy that we all wanna do that?” And then his friends were probably like “I don’t!” And he’s like “Yeah you do, I’m fuckin’ Freud”.

I’m starting a campaign to change bygones into something. Everyone’s always trying to let them be bygones.

Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait, is “tanked” the joke, ...[Read more]

Can I leave on a good invention I thought of? Food tape: it’s like edible adhesive tape that you can put around ice cream cones, or your sandwiches if they break, or your tacos, and it’s edible and flavorless. Oh, but there’s a slogan too: “Cause food breaks!”

This is my impression of a good dentist with a good family: “Getting my son to clean his room is like pulling teeth! Really easy!”

I think there should be a contraption for putting on socks. But wouldn’t that be cool if there were two socks upright in this metal bracket on the ground and you just put your feet into it.

I’ve seen Julianne Moore’s tits more than my own penis!

This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.

Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever fall down again? It sucks that you can’t avoid that.

I’m not impressed by juggling. Ok whatever you learned how to do that. That’s not a thing I chose to learn.

You know when someone asks you a question, like if I said “Do you know the time” and you go “What? Oh it’s 7.” Why did you say “What?” You then went on to answer the question, so don’t fuckin’ waste my time.

You know Amazon the website? What does that look like in person? That’s gotta be one big room, huh?

I think it’s insane that car radios exist. Period. All it is, it’s only a distraction. Like “oh I’m bored driving this two ton piece of metal, I should be able to do another activity”? And that car companies are like “Yes, this is a standard thing, this distraction we’ll put in your car.” We should only be driving like “whoa!!” the whole time!