It might be surprising but keeping a straight face in many of the situations we get into on the show is quite difficult for me. I began to realize that I'll sometimes do this thing where I act like I'm picking a piece of food out of my back teeth to cover the fact that I'm smiling. Then if I can't get it together within a few seconds, I might ask for some dental floss or something because I've clearly been picking at this tooth for 20 seconds or so. Some moments that stand out off the top of my head would be the Gas Station episode where the owner told me that he drinks his grandson's urine to ward off fear. I often laugh when I feel uncomfortable too, so I remember having to turn my head a...[Read more]

I think the best Seinfeld episode idea I ever contributed was that George pretending to be a marine biologist would find Kramer's golf ball in the blowhole of the whale. Believe it or not, we were doing both of those stories without seeing any connection that Kramer was gonna hit golf balls at the beach, and George was gonna be pretending to be a marine biologist. And it was in the middle of the week that it suddenly hit me of a way to connect the two stories. So, I think that's probably the best joke I ever thought of on the series. But, I love when people say "regift" or "giddyup", or "yadda yadda". The real and spectacular...I was a very big fan of the show.

Hannibal and I have very different approaches. I write stuff beforehand; he drifts in and out of consciousness.

i was on the subway once and this old lady came up to me. she pointed right in my face and screamed and diarreah started just gushing out of her onto the floor. I'm not sure she was a fan but it was pretty awful. Also it never happened. But it will...

Well, let me answer this by asking a question: when I was on SNL, I played Burt Reynolds on Celebrity Jeopardy. One time, he (being me, playing he) refused to be called "Burt Reynolds" because he had changed his name to "Turd Ferguson." So Alex Trebec had to call him "Turd Ferguson" that became a little cult thing. So one time, i was in a very crowded street, and the street was 5th Avenue, which you know, at lunchtime how crowded it was, and there were hundreds of people watching as a gentleman yelled at me "HEY TURD!" and I said "Thank you! Thank you!" And I always wondered what sort of relationship those people thought me and that fellow had.

Some gal was all cool and made love to me. then went crazy and grabbed a few things outta my bed room to steal and climbed off my balcony to escape and fell and hurt her back. ambos came. idiot.

I stopped blaming the world for my problems. You can only walk around so long being like, “Chicks, man. They’re psychos.” At some point you realize that you’re the common factor. I wasn’t exactly the easiest person to be around. I’m not the most sane person. But until you sit down and talk to somebody about your issues, they’re foreign to you. I realized I was pretty fucked-up.

I probably wouldn't tell me shit. I would probably say, "Good luck, bitch!" One of the most fascinating lessons I've absorbed about life is that the struggle is good. You can't know tomorrow, because if you did you would never go about trying to create it the same way. The uncertainty and doubt that fuck with our minds are the same forces that make accomplishments and achievements so fucking amazing when you pull them off. It's almost like life has to suck sometimes to appreciate what's cool. My 20 year old self would have to figure out all this shit the hard way, just like I did. Just like I'm still doing today. If I could go forward in time to when I'm 90 I would probably give the me of t...[Read more]

A person once said to me that the homeless never get touched and that without human touch, the mind veers toward madness. So the homeless people I approach, I always give my money to, whatever it is I have, and I always hug them or touch them.

I started when i was 17. I got a good head start, skill-building wise, but I sometimes think I missed out on a lot of “Life” that I could be drawing from now. Try to go to college and get some knowlege. If you don’t do that, make a deliberate attempt to read a lot and educate yourself, so that you don’t just become a siv for American pop culture. If you spend all your time on stage talking about the cover of People magazine, you won’t go far, you won’t last, and you’ll be bored before you get good. Take advantage of the head start you’re giving yourself by stopping as often as possible to live your life, explore America and grow as a person. When you go to some shit town to do a one-nighte...[Read more]

Wheat thins? Call me when they’re Wheat THICKS! Gimme that wheat!

Just call half and half “one”!

I hate smoking sections, unless we’re talking about the movie The Mask, with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!

I’ve seen Julianne Moore’s tits more than my own penis!